0150

-is it such a big sin i commited loving him so much?..why do some gals just enjoy making me feel upset/sad/miserable?..what is it about me that they simply love spreading rumours about me?..did i steal something precious in their life?..did i kill their family?..no..so why?..

few days ago i just gotta know about a rumour about me..it started spreading one year ago!!..if the ones spreading are just normal staff..i couldnt care less..but this time round..it was a supervisor and manager who spread it!!..yes both are best of friends..its ok they dont like me..cuz the feeling is mutual..i seriously duno what these two ladies are trying to do..what are their motive for spreading rumours about me..why they cant mind their own business..i really duno..

all i do is loving him..whats so wrong about it!?..im not harassing him..im not bothering him..so why?..why do these two gals enjoy doing what they do?..

*1st pic via the animal blog
sorry..4get where i get the 2nd pic*...

0200

dear L,

maybe ur not aware ur hurtin me..maybe u dun care at all..i really duno..whether u do what u do on purpose..jus to see my reaction..i jus wana tell u..plz stop hurtin me..

ever since ur back..i dun really wana see u again..but fate has it..i was bein transfered to the same shop as u..no..i didnt wana be in the same shop as u..but i cant say no..

have u ever think how i feel..knowin from others u patched back with ur X..n even engage to her?..have u ever think how this news affected me?..hearing it from others made it even worst..i gues u dun care at all..i should've believed what they said..when they told me..u'd patch back with her..the day u went back home..instead i chosed to believe u..simply cuz u said u wont etc etc..n now look what i got myself into...

why did u wana come back?..why bother to come back still..since u have long chosen her..u told them..u didnt feel happy at all.. ur engaged to her..u told them..it was an act of impulse..why is it until now u still lie to urself?..she is the only one u love..u cant let her go at all..why did u come back?...

i shouldnt come into ur life..i shouldnt join this company..what u used to say is right..u n me shouldnt know each other...i shouldnt fall for u..u n me shouldnt be so closed previously..

is it my fault now i still cant let u go?..is it my fault i still love u alot?..yes i know im the one suffering..yes i know u dun care at all how i feel..is it best i jus turn my back..leave this company n work somewhere?..

is it best i turn into bubbles..n be totally out of ur life?...

*4gotten where i get the pics*

0132

-Can time really heal..or it makes the memories clearer?..its only now i realise he felt guilty the day he broke up with her..because he didnt want to let her go at all..so its only natural he patch back with her..and even engaged to her...it doesnt matter to him..hurting me..cuz all these while..im nothing to him..why then i still cant let him go?..why do i still feel upset/jealous..when i see other gals fightin for his attention?..i already know all along she is the only 1 in his heart..why should i even bother now?...

-feel much unappreciated at work..every manager likes staff to lick his/her boots..every manager protects boots-lickers..unfortunately i dont sugar-coat my words..and when im piss off..i show it..which explains why the upper management dislike me..so what im being told im hard-working?..they prefer staff who smiles..act happy everyday..so tell me..whats the point?..im too tire on all these shit....

*sorry..4get where i get the pics...*

2339

-guess im not suitable to love some-one..or even develop feelings for some-one...whenever it happens..there are sure to be gals competitng..usually i'd give up..cuz i dont like competition..whats wrong with me i do not know..guess im fated to be alone huh?..

*1st pic-black and white tumblr
*2nd pic-the animal blog

0100

-Thousands of tears falling
behind my smiles and laughter

thousands of tears hiding

thousands of tears camouflage

Its all a pathetic mask im wearing
a mask for all to see
unveil this if u dare
unveil me if u care

Them tears are falling
for u
them tears are reaching out
to u

Im reaching out to u
do u see me at all?
can u see me at all?

-when a person changed..he jz changed..no reason at all..when some1 u love changed..it breaks the heart n mind..a misunderstanding?..i dun understand him?..i duno him at all?..i dun think so...

i know my words has zero effect on him..i know he dun give a shit my thoughts my feelings..so y should i even care..even bother!?..its really none of my business he changed or not now..his words/actions shouldnt have any effect on me anymore..y until now it still do?..y until now i still bother?..y until now im still so stupid?..y until now i still love him?...

*my bad..forgotten where i got the pics in this n the previous post*

2300

-theres no word that can be describe when u realise that special some1 u love changed..when u realised that special some1 had been brain-washed successfully by others..i misunderstand him?..maybe i did..i really duno..people change..this i know..or this is the real him that i refuse to accept..simply cuz i love him?..*sigh*..

-An air-ticket took u away
an air-ticket changes it all
is this what u've been planning for all these while?
this is the ending u want
from me

Everything is different now
is it even possible to treat u back as before?
honestly i do not know

I have to stop crying
have to stop dwelling
with that air-ticket
u walk out of my life

Why come back
when your heart isnt here?
why come back
when u decided long ago
im the one u chosed to hurt

0120

i didnt thought u'd hurt me this bad..now i know..now i know what a stupid fool i've been ..for the past two years..not once i give up on u..even though it wasnt easy to hang on..and now u went n found some1..no its not your fault..u didnt give me any commitment..u didnt promise me anything..its my fault..i put myself in this..i should've known this would happen..the day u went back home..

u wont know or want to know or care how i feel..dont worry..i wont bother u anymore..i will walk out of your world myself..

0024

yUp im here to vent again....

more rumours are being spread now that i've been transfer to the land of big mouths and rotten tongues..its not the first time those same-old people are happily makin my boring life exciting..spreading untrue rumors around..happily passin it to other outlets..it makes me wonder..why these people simply love to mind other people business?..is it cuz their own life is way too borin..or they are 'helping' makin other people life more 'enjoyable'?..

then again..why should i care?..why should i bother?..they love to spread rumours..they can carry on spreadin til the cows come home..i wouldn't care..

1st and 2nd pic-the animal blog

forget where i got the last pic..my bad..

0200

its true isnt it?..theres no1 u can really open up to when u need some1 to just listen..and not give advise..many people just love to mind other people business..and help spread it around the world..and often what they spread isnt true at all..i always believe a story has two sides..but not every1 thinks/feels that way..

i dun wana listen to anymore useless gossipings..chatterings about others..its too tiring..im not interested too..i dun like workin with big mouths..rotten tongues..sadly anywhere u work is the same..more or less..what people say kill another faster than a bullet shot straight to your heart or head..

im lookin for a way out..i want a way out..i need a way out..im just me..what is happening to this human race?..

2240

i need a break a vaca BADLY..its way way past my limitations..my cup had long been over-flown for too long..its time to empty it..i need to n mz pack my bag and go..get away from all these shit..be gone..i dun wan..and cant be that strong gal every1 says i am..i am not strong..i repeat..i am not strong..im a human being with feelings too..

yes go ahead say im playin the vicitm..go ahead say im bein sensitive blah blah blah..if u knew what kind of words were bein threw at me..what would u say then?..yes i can totally ignore..cz work is work..i dun have 2 care..jz do my part..but i ask u..whats the point doing my part in work..n ppl are out 2 get u for personal reasons?..for no reason at all..jz simply 'i dun like ur face..'!?..

im tire..too tire everytime this kind of shit thing happens..im tire too tire to let blood pay blood..i dun want to play..i aint got time and energy to play..cuz im too tire..i dun want to go back my 'old ways'..it doesnt mean im good to bully jz cz i keep quiet..if u think im goin down alone when u force me to..u better think twice..cuz i promise i will pull u down with me..cuz u force me to..u seriously should think twice..once my word is out..u better watch out..

yes i can turn my back..walk away..or u rather i become the 'old' me..play this stupid game of urs..cz the more the merrier..its ur call..

1408

-first part of my fav pics..love the first two pics figured here..maybe i'd do a second part third oart etc..cuz too many fav pics..

*5th pic-the animalblog.tumblr..3rd pic-google.com..4gotten the source for 1st 2nd and 4th pics..sorry..

0245

-is it wrong to love some1 with ur heart rather than ur brian?..do u even need or must have a reason when u love some1?..y mz there be a reason!?..y its so wrong to love whole heartly?..yes i dun understand..i dun..is it cuz by lovin some1 whole heartly u'd brin him unhappiness?..u make him sad rather than happy..due to some reason?..why?..

they like to say i think too much..why cant i juz stop thinking..why im alwaz so sad?..why i cant be happy?..what-ever ppl say to me have effect on me..i cant pretend i dun feel anything..i cant pretend im not effected..i cant pretend 2b friends with u on the surface..but at the back stab u like crazy..i have horns n tail..but im not that evil..there are reasons why i stop talkin to certain ppl..but i wont go round tellin every-body..is that why ppl tend to constantly misunderstand me?..i duno what have i done/say to make ppl feel this way..and i dun understand why some gals juz enjoy makin me sad..yes its my fault..i shouldnt bother with their nonsenses..i shouldnt care so much..but im juz me..i cant pretend their words have zero effect on me..i cant..

telling me not to think is a tall order..i'd have given up on him long time ago..if i can give up..i cant..i really cant..

*my apologises for forgetting where i got the pics from*
*really love the 1st pic*

0200

-am tryin very hard not to talk bout him now..its hard cuz miss him..miss his smiles his laughter his voice his everything..which is why im here..writing..pourin my heart out..not totally..very very soon hes leavin..goin back home..whether hes stayin or not..no1 knows..cuz hes not telling..but i seriously dun think he will..he wont stay for any1..he has his thinking..has his plans..i cant make him stay..knowing hes not happy here..dont wana force him to either..i just want him to be happy..if he goin home..not comin back here anymore..means he'd be happier..i have to let him go..dont i?..its not what i want..but i dun want him 2b unhappy staying here either..confusing i know..

u may say'why not u come back with him?..'yes why not?..but who am i to?..its not that i dun want to..i do..but who am i to?..

i dont even know would i see him again after he goes back home and not comin back anymore..i really dont know..its not cuz i like to think bout this..and make myself sad..of cuz i'd think..as the time is drawin very near..as im feelin im losin some1 very important in my life..

im scare i wont see him anymore..im scare this is it..im scare of losing him..im scare the more i love him/care for him..the more irriated he'd be(though i know hes not this kinda person)..

im scare...

im not ok.. cant let go..but i have to..have to let u go back..go home..ur home-sick they told me..u miz home..miz the life back home..even though u kept tellin me..u more or less made up ur mind..to stay or not..its not confirm..but the feeling u gave is 99.99% u wont stay..

i suppose u wont know im feeling im losing something very important with u leaving..'u have to fight for it'..some1 said..have i been fighting for u or i've been fighting way too hard?..i really do not know..

im sorry if i had cause u unhappiness all these while..im sorry u havent been happy..ur very important to me..i know im not to u..am i juz a passer-by?..have i been tryin hard enough?..

so much to say to u..not enough courage to utter them words out..to u..i duno r u still willing to see me again b4 u leave..i duno once u go back..will i ever see u again?..

i do love u..and not once i regret it..
plz stay..dont go....

0050

-is it true the older u r the less friends u have?..i duno..whats the meaning of friend anyway?..it doesnt mean u treat some-one as a friend..he/she'd too..words that touched ur heart..at the end of the day..are juz meaningless words..words that r spoken and 4gotten..no-one takes words seriously anymore..in this era..2b honest im no longer sure do i even have friends..often theres no-one i can talk to..some1 juz 2 listen..sure few said 2 me 'im willin 2 listen when u wana talk..any1 needs some1 2 listen 2..'..' remember 2 share any unhappiness with me'..in the end..all these r jz words..thus now i stop trying..stop everything..jz stop..cz im tire of those finger pointing..tire of everything..tire of people talking..jz tire..

i know im unlike those people..i dun smile much..they say im cold..its self-protecting..few really know me..

-less than 2 months n ur leaving..alot of thoughts i keep inside..i cant bear for u to go..but u have to go back home..not much time left..

*1st pic-qq.com
4gotten where the 2nd pic is from..my bad..

0231

-not allow to cry

so much 2 say 2 vent 2 pour out..yet silence is all there is..very soon the 1st month of 2010 will be gone..soon those i can click with will be gone..r gone..they r not juz passer-bys in my life..am i juz one easily 4gotten passer-by to them?..i really have no idea..

alot had been happening..all these stuff are leavin me tire..very tire..doors r closed when i needed some1 2 talk 2..yes..every1 has his/her own problems..maybe its jz me..maybe i overthink things..i really duno..the only thing i know is...very soon ## will be leaving..very soon..

is any1 out there willing to listen 2 me?...is there?..

-On this road i lay
pretending to be dead
pretending im unable to see to hear
blocking out almost everything every1
im sorry
i can pretend no more..

Wishing i have the guts
to say out loud to u
'plz stay..i need u here..stay..'

1st pic-qq.com
4gotten where i get the 2nd pic from..